Features and Reviews

Raw. Honest. Engrossing. At times uncomfortable. The Swinger in the Mirror is an eye opening memoir by first time author, Kim Lee, a psychotherapist based out of Toronto, as she chronicles her journey into the world of swinging (also known colloquially to members of said community as “the Lifestyle” [“LS”]). Over the 240 page book, Lee reflects on how her own conservative Asian upbringing influenced her choice to partake in the LS, the early romance with her husband Kaleb, and their tentative steps to explore the swinging scene in her city. Yet the real “meat" of the book are the tumultuous friendships with benefits that emerged from their non-monogamous escapades with other married couples.

I think what really took me by surprise with this book was how honest Lee is regarding her own shortcomings. She and her husband work in professions dealing with mental health; Lee herself is a trained psychotherapist with decades long counseling experience dealing with trauma, relationships, intimacy and family. Despite this knowledge though, Lee’s memoir is a testament to a) how influential one’s cultural upbringing and child trauma can be in making adult choices regarding love, sex and marriage [overriding education / professional learning] and b) how even the most educated and insightful adults can get tripped up when trying to navigate the uncharted waters of ethical non-monogamy. Lee describes in detail the build up to their meetups, the colorful characters they meet in the community, and wonderfully paints lustful pictures of the hot nights they had. However, she also doesn’t shy away from the ugly side of the Lifestyle and its effects on her marriage: the confusion, the miscommunication, the breakdown in trust and the hard rebuilding process after all of it is said and done.

Unlike other autobiographical books about swinging like Ashleigh Renard’s “Swing” (2021) , and “A Modern Marriage” by Christy and Mark Kidd (2014), Lee’s “The Swinger in the Mirror” doesn’t lean on the goofy, funny or surreal swinging landscape to keep the reader hooked. What I found engrossing was her constant attempts to make fundamentally broken (from the reader’s perspective) relationships work. I found myself at times yelling at the protagonist from the comfort of my chair “Why are you doing that, Kim?? Don’t you see what’s happening?” Handily, through all the mistakes and missteps, Lee and her husband Kaleb ultimately learn to reaffirm what initially gave them the confidence to embark on their sexual adventures, improve their communication, rebuild trusts that were broken; the epilogue of the book provides a numbered list of key rules they’ve developed over the years to better assess and prepare for troubles that they may face as they continue to swing – a solid primer for the do’s and don’ts to consider for any newbie that want to avoid the author’s pitfalls.

If there was one element I wish the Lee fleshed out more in the book it would have to be her strict Asian upbringing (her father comes across as a tyrant) and how such an environment shaped her views on men and women, their roles in marriage, expressions of female sexuality and relationships with others, swingers and vanilla folk alike. The glimpses into the punishments she endured as a rebellious daughter of a harsh, emotionally removed disciplinarian father and the contrasts against her dutiful twin sister’s life were intriguing and deserved further exploration.

If you are thinking at all about dabbling in the world of the Lifestyle and or any form of ethical non-monogamy, or just want a great read that presents the lascivious, the introspective and the remorseful in almost equal measure, definitely pick up Lee’s memoir. The Swinger in the Mirror thoroughly entertains.

RDJ